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I such things don't forgive". Half asleep I looked at the small screen and stared in disbelief. Everything grew cold inside, everything broke, the world scattered on pieces, on thousands of splinters, and I ceased to exist. "To break your soul windows... "— I included this song for it in the car. Just in her it is sung about accident of meetings without obligations and continuation, without attachments. I thought that and will be — without attachment, at least, for my part. Everything appeared on the contrary. This fragile naive girl was stronger, than I thought, she managed to overcome the attachment and my "temporary" indifference to her. Really not I, but she "broke" my soul. Can't be!!! But why why it is so sick and restless? And as she can cut off here so everything, Yana herself looked for meetings, endlessly called and when I entered her in the black list, wrote Sms, calling "Egorushka-solnyshko". Onafu, as it is opposite! Even I didn't think that it will be so unpleasant. It is necessary to work, and nothing goes on mind, heart presses. Egor at me in the black list therefore from him I saw reciprocal SMS only blocking phone after a mother's call: "It would be desirable to know for what?" (хм, he still asks!) I drank to tea with "balm" — doesn't help. Probably, he "digests" information. Yes, I am able to feel people at distance. Especially people to whom I presented a part of. I am not able to love or be on friendly terms half. Either I will give everything, or nothing. At the already not youthful age I didn't forget to fall in love. But I am able to forget quickly if something goes not so if play with me, don't perceive seriously or begin to use. Scrolling in the memories of an event of last year related to Egor, mine now the former lover, I understand that it exactly used me. Though, probably, some attachment also was. Even I don't know... likely wasn't... likely, it just was undisguised reaction of a mature male to the young sexy woman. He smiled from ear to ear and gave me compliments even in the presence of my husband whom it, alas, didn't urge on to change the behavior concerning me. I liked these compliments, these coal the burning eyes at the sight of me. And considering that I was never spoiled by husband's attention, and at that time especially, ice started... I smiled, greeting him at a meeting, and once it gave a ride to me, and we kind of accidentally, joking, exchanged phones: having learned that we have identical middle names, Egor told that we are "gang" and as required we will go to plunder bank, I assented. That evening I had especially high spirits, home I didn't hurry since there was nobody, and having learned about it, it suggested "to drive". The offer was apprehended by me on "hurrah"... Likely I "the romantic little fool", but trips around the evening city install in me some special romanticism, I begin to talk without a stop and to laugh infectiously... It liked my mood. To us it was so good together that is called on one wave. Near small little shop he stopped and asked to wait, back left already with a cake and handed it to me. — What is it? — I didn't constrain bewilderment. — Soon New year, I wanted to make to you pleasant — with these words it handed a cake to me.... first we called up sometimes, but then I understood that in his phone for me there was a place already only in "black list" (likely, to him was from someone to hide my calls). I didn't ask questions, I didn't want to think that this man the next reptile and to him it is impossible to trust. Life and him beat enough. I was bribed that Egor about himself told everything, about the life and the biography, didn't conceal anything. And I wrote him sms, and he called back to me, and whenever possible, we long and lovely stirred. He lightened me the mood during the vital period, very difficult for me, he encouraged me. Probably, thanks to him I didn't lose the... "zhenskost", perhaps. Certainly, business also reached a bed. The benefit he lived alone and it wasn't necessary to look for the place for meetings to us... In the very first time nothing left, I who yearned on male caress became overexcited from his such gentle kisses, I is so frequent and noisy breathed that it took it for asthma attack. The little fool, he didn't represent yet what I am capable of... And that first evening he took off from me only a warm jacket... Subsequently we met several times, and, analyzing his behavior in a bed, I can tell that he was very gentle and at the same time very imperious, in we wash understanding directly by the egoist, from capital letter. Enraged me that, only beginning to kiss, he let the hands to wander about my intimate places already. He quickly and sharply undressed, removing all and at once moreover grumbled that on me "there are a lot of layers" clothes. The feeling was such that his main goal — as soon as possible to stick "tool" into me. And when it at last was carried out, he began some mad race with which I choked, I peeped and I groaned, I whined and I shouted. He was ready to do it infinitely, turning me and сяк, and strong holding with the strong hands. "Takes perhaps what drugs" — it was thought to me sometimes. And still it wasn't pleasant to me that he, self-confident on life, was also the absolute lord in a bed, without giving me the slightest opportunity to show an initiative: it was necessary that "girl" was a clear head and I obeyed, "I am a man". Well of course, against scrap there is no reception! I don't deny, to me with him it was always good, he had some special power, certain natural, almost Gipsy (he is a brunette) magnetism. I was brought from one his look or an insinuating voice to the intimate moments. And... he had a strong constitution, and I, with my small height, felt near him such small and such protected! But all sometime comes to an end, and pink glasses are succeeded usual, with transparent glasses, and people in whom we trusted begin to become impudent. Once there was the fact that I didn't forgive him. He terminated ( in me (that evening I even didn't understand it). Yes, sounds it is banal, but... on my concepts, it couldn't be done, adults have to discuss it, but not so, all of a sudden, when it was impatient. That evening I felt special pleasure, the orgasm was such that slightly sparks from eyes didn't pour... more true, even tears began to flow. I literally sobbed at him on a shoulder. And he celebrated a victory! He is lazy having embraced one hand, I told: "Cry, the girl, cry. They say, if the woman cries after sex, so she derived special pleasure". During the lunchtime the next day from telephone conversation with him I learned that I "all in me", and rushed in drugstore behind tablets of the emergency contraception, the benefit, time wasn't missed yet. Then he just at the expense of me ego-tripped as the man, as the Male. And from this case in we wash the brain inflamed by love reorganization began. You know, as usual it happens. To the ideal person in your representation it is worth making at least one miss, and you begin to be disappointed, remember to a heap of offense, some not really pleasant words and so on, and all this in your consciousness is wound as a snowball. And already the Angel is turned by you nearly into the Demon... But, strangely enough, at this moment "releases". At heart it becomes quiet, heart doesn't fight already so without restraint at the sight of it. Partly it is good, partly badly, but... such is a mudflow ви. But you get invaluable life experience and you begin to see habitual things in a new way.... at first I ceased to answer his calls which were distributed at least 3 — 4 times a week, and sometimes and several times in day because of what it was necessary to hold phone on vibration all the time. And then I blacklisted at all at last to live quietly. Phone continued to fix calls from it, and sms came to one of evenings: "Darling, I that, in the black list?" I answered it is slightly veiled, and answered only in the morning, having decided that "tomorrow is a new day". Let now thinks why and for what. To me already all the same. As they say, there are no attachments — there are no problems. Arividerch, Egorushka!